The 44th President of the United States of America, Barack Hussein Obama II.

The results of this election officially erases all the lingering bitterness I had from the 2000 and 2004 Presidential elections. I couldn’t sleep for days following Gore’s loss and watched in horror as George W. did nothing to unite the country after proclaiming himself to be a “uniter, not a divider”. Ahhh…revenge is sweet.

Das forwarded me this email from an anonymous writer who took the words right out of my mouth.

Dear Red States,

If you manage to steal this election too we’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend
to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case
you aren’t aware, that includes California , Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this
split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new
country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get
stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty . You get
Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You
get Ole’ Miss. We get 85% of America ’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red
states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we
get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware
that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want
all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your
evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths
for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their
children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that
the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s
Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s
fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple le and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s
fresh fruit, 95% of America ’s quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high
tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa !), most of the U.S.
low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and
Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all
obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S.
mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all
Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia . We get Hollywood and
Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually
swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the
war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory,
53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you
are people with higher morals than we lefties. Finally, we’re taking the good
pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .

Peace out,
Blue States

jm
The Editor